Friday, February 4, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: Mr. Goliath, OR, "Goliath Must Be Slain" -Maria Kelly

This story was inspired by Maria Kelly's title, "Goliath Must Be Slain." My initial reaction was, "Must he?" My second reaction was the following dialogue.


"It’s all here. Gold. Fruits. The coastline. We have a lot of resources. That's why your goons are invading us."

"They're not goons. They're my countrymen."

"Do you like your country? Better than here?"

"Well, it's a country. I guess you’ve got nicer gardens."

"You like gardens, Mr. Goliath?"

"Kind of. But in a manly way."

"We don't judge men for liking gardens here. This pink flower? We call it a rockrose."

"That is manly."

"How much are they paying you?"

"A bunch. I'm going to get a lot for killing you all."

"A bunch? What if I pay you two bunches?"

"Two bunches?"

"Three. Three bunches. When I take out my sling, you turn around and attack your guys. Afterward we'll give you three bunches."

"I don't know about this."

"We'll leave them in your garden."

"My garden?"

"We'll set aside one just for you."

"Will... will there be rockroses?"

"You bet there will be rockroses."

"That does sound nice."

"Doesn't it? Just turn on them when you see the sling."

"I don't want to be called a traitor."

"You'll live here! Nobody will call you a traitor here. Everybody'll be very grateful. If foreigners ask what happened, I'll make something up."

"Three bunches..."

42 comments:

  1. This is wicked funny, John. I'm glad they reached a compromise. Just so you know, my Verification Word is "reckless." Fitting, for a Goliath story. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love rockroses, but I don't have a slingshot. So I guess I don't qualify. Good fun, John.

    My verification word is "bocons." No idea what it means, but I'm following Maria's lead here. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. That was fun. Nice that his head wasn't just turned by more money - but by something he REALLY wanted.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love that he wanted rock roses. Very manly.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Well, much thanks to Maria for inspiring this fun tale! Love it John!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Never underestimate the shrimp with the deep pockets.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Funny (hilarious) and clever re-imagining. The David and Goliath story has always captured my imagination.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Excellent! That certainly is another way for that story to go... Wonder if we'd have ever heard of the story if it did turn out like that.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Nicely done. As always, no idea how you get there from a bus full of bullies- but that's just your talent.

    And boy, what i wouldn't give for a new country with a garden of rockroses...

    ReplyDelete
  10. Very clever, Goliath can be bribed with three bunches!

    My verification word is "lyzin" which make you wonder if that's what the assumed David was doing…

    ReplyDelete
  11. Maria, glad you approve of this off-shot. Was a little nervous going so far from bully-slaying might tick you off.

    Rachel, no slingshot? That's it for you. Pack up that career of giant-slaying and giant-bribing. I'm sure you'll find another career. Perhaps writing giant fiction (or...tall tales).

    Rol, perhaps money to buy more rockroses.

    Michelle, pink can be manly, I swear. It just needs marketing.

    Deanna, thanks!

    Tony, the meek shall inherit the earth because they're rich!

    David/Doodle, it can be a very inspirational story.

    Eric, I feel like the bribery part of the Bible would have been very interesting.

    Bev, I actually arrived there with her title. I didn't get to read Maria's actual story until this morning. We'll get right on those rockroses for you.

    Mr. FAR, that's right, for the low, low price of just three bunches, you too can have a fearsome giant warrior.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Goliath takes the deal and turns back the Philistines only to find that the valley of the ho, ho, ho, Green Giant is actually in Israel. Cage match at the Garden!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Ha, great story, John. And it's probably closer to the truth than we've been told. :)

    Love this story.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Funny and creative. I like that the dialogue keeps going back to the rockrose-a manly name for a flower.

    ReplyDelete
  15. The geek shall inherit the earth. And a bunch of (very manly) flowers :)
    Adam B @revhappiness

    ReplyDelete
  16. Very funny, John! I always thought that Goliath guy must have hated having to live up to his macho reputation.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Your writing is always so ridiculous, John, and I always love every minute of it. How have I survived without reading your work for so long?

    My verification word is "lationsa" in case you wanted to know :-P

    ReplyDelete
  18. A stone is far cheaper than three bunches.

    John, you are a wicked writer.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Very ogre-ish tale, and manly. Despite the ogre-ness, I liked it. :P

    I don't have a verification word. Must be because of my troll side lining.. Will refresh to see what comes out.

    Hm, came out "scher". Not very troll-ish. Not very manly either. What could I expect from a ogre site?

    ReplyDelete
  20. Harry, what a missed opportunity that was. I could have turned this into the secret origin of the Green Giant! I'm slipping.

    Gracie, if it's closer to the truth than you've been told, and I just told it to you...

    Lara, I was looking up some flora from the region and just had to use that one.

    Adam, how many geeks do you know who love manly-manly flowers?

    John, it's tough being the biggest guy in the yard. A little easier in the garden.

    AM, always nice for you to stop by. But the work is always hear if you feel like catching up.

    Steve, it's still easier to aim three bunches than one rock.

    Mari, "scher" sounds like something a troll might say upon seeing three bunches.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Awesome. Three bunches and some rockroses.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Is it bad that I still see David killing him, only when his back is turned this time? After all, history is told by the winners :P

    ReplyDelete
  23. Omg, how I laughed! Funny! Brilliant!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Seleste, I'm with you. I was sure that the ending (although not written/spoken) was implied--that once the deal was executed (pun intended) David would kill him, too. Now I need to go read Maria's. I was scrolling through Twitter and came to yours first.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Raven, would you do it for any less?

    Susan, I hope you enjoy Maria's. She's making her forays into non-speculative fiction, and you prefer things outside of that realm. Maybe you can share pointers?

    But as far as what both Seleste and Susan raised, darn, he dies anyway? Wasn't my intention. Can't stop you from thinking the big sap gets a rock to the back of the head, though.

    Gany/Catherine, thank you! Glad I got you to laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Turning your back on any of these guys might be a mistake ...! Cute story, John! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  27. That's one version of it. I don't remember it that way in the KJV, the NIV, or the ASV, but hey I never looked in the JWV... until now.

    Funny.

    Word Verification: Cheria - (n) a fruit tree found in one of David's gardens.

    ReplyDelete
  28. So all the pictures I've seen of him getting hit with the stone right in the forehead... those were all FAKES?

    ReplyDelete
  29. Ha, ha, ha. I love it - a David who doesn't want touse his stones and a persuadable Goliath...Good job Goliath liked gardens!

    ReplyDelete
  30. This is fantastic. Dialogue-only stories can be odd but yours really worked. You ever written any screenplays?

    ReplyDelete
  31. Wondermous, Sir. Clever and funny. I also do not own a slingshot, but I do have a cross-bow. Hmmm... peace...

    ReplyDelete
  32. I was always suspicious of the "official" version of this tale. Somehow I much prefer yours.

    ReplyDelete
  33. PJ, so you're recommending they remain facing each other for the rest of their lives? That's a sequel idea.

    Stephen, JWV... Man, that is tempting! Maybe after I finish rewriting American history.

    Tim, not necessarily fakes. Maybe they were depicting another Goliath. It's a common name, isn't it?

    Virginia, yeah, if he hated gardens everything would have gone in the gutter.

    Icy, that's very flattering. I have absolutely no experience writing screenplays. I've been experimenting in dialogue for years now, as it used to be the weakest part of my writing and I had to improve. I am working on a comic script now...

    Linda, I think it's harder to surprise a giant with a crossbow. You'll have to report your results.

    Sam, bribery to coexist, or proof the little guy can kill the big? It's all in what you like to hear.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Rockroses! Awesome. Now I want a garden. You do have a great talent for dialogue.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Love the manly-garden banter. You're right. That sounds like something clever dave would do. Super glad I stopped by to check this out. Always a pleasure John-o.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Nice piece, well done. Oh what he'd do for a rockrose, bless him.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Love it, John! And all dialogue makes it even more special. I do wonder what the 'bunches' will be...maybe 3 bunches of rockroses?

    ReplyDelete
  38. I like the idea that Goliath could be bribed with flowers. Great terms - "bunches", "rockroses". This dialogue reminds me a little of Barthelme's dialogues, which I like very much.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Aaron, go forth and make that garden! Make it good enough that giants can be bribed to stay rather than invade.

    Monica, thanks for stopping by. Sorry my flippant comment on your blog didn't register.

    Brainhaze, just a few. They're so pretty.

    Laura, or three bunches redeemable for rockroses.

    Mr. Marker Starter, I will take any comparison to Donald Barthelme, even unflattering ones. Reminders of his dialogue certainly make me feel good about myself.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Funny stuff. I love that you can write a story entirely of unattributed dialogue. That's talent. I wonder if you have a screenplay in you. I'd like to see a wiswell play I think.

    ReplyDelete
  41. So Goliath's death was just a big cover up? A clever way for him to escape retribution for defecting? Clever! I hope he enjoyed his garden. Just as long as he didn't go on to win the blue ribbon for his rockroses! That kind of publicity could undo all that pr work.

    ReplyDelete
  42. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete

Counter est. March 2, 2008