Friday, September 10, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: Viewers Like You

The broadcast representative led him down the hall. Sammy was in awe of the stainless steel walls, dotted with their thousands of viewing windows. Each led to a tiny room that was bathed in a yellow glow, like the light of an incubator.

“We’ve always been sustained by donations. Sometimes they came from corporations, but even in our most shameless years, PBS has always been supported by viewers like you.”

Sammy had yet to see a television in his life, but the mere mention of PBS made him ache to sit down and watch something. He settled for listening to the rep.

“Not viewers precisely like you. They had two eyes, two legs and all that, but they were unreliable. Do you know how few viewers donated even once, let alone a second time? Many an unpaid intern was left in tears during the telethons, when some callous viewer barked to stop calling. Scandalous. All the interns were doing was trying to fund the best educational and cultural programming in the country. Plus the call list was opt-in.”

They neared the door at the end of the walls. There was another yellow light beyond it, this one not so much like an incubator. This light was like the sun, which Sammy was pre-programmed to recognize. He looked forward to seeing the sun.

“We almost went out of business. Telethons were futile. The internet only brought us more viewers who wanted everything for free. We had to take advertising from truly evil corporations. Our news anchors had to admit, in full disclosure, that the monsters we’d just done a story about paid for the show. All of it and we were still on the verge of insolvency. That was, until we got one saintly donor.”

The rep paused by the viewing window closest to the door. A naked man slept inside. Sammy looked in with the rep. He saw himself for the first time in his brief life, reflected in the window. He had the same face as the sleeping man.

“Samuel P. Lancaster was a viewer exactly like you, minus some epigenetics. He realized to keep our station afloat, we didn’t need a social network or a celebrity endorsements. We just needed several thousand more viewers just like you.”

The broadcast representative clapped Sammy on the shoulder. He beamed in the photogenic way all media people were designed to in this age.

“You’re free to live a life, Sammy. Get whatever job you like. Get married, get a car, get a penthouse – all we ask is you and everyone like you donate a certain minimum amount every year. Exceed it and we’ll send you a handsome tote bag.”

“Thank you,” were the first words of Sammy’s life.

“You’re welcome.”

He stepped aside and let Sammy walk into the light.

“Do us proud, Sammy! We’d hate to have to curtail programming.”

39 comments:

  1. Now we've even got viewer-bots? What is this world coming too? Nice piece, as always, John.

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  2. Well, at least now they do away with those ridiculous telethon donation drive thingys.

    Great piece. Loved the smarmy rep. Well done, John!

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  3. There is a reason I don't watch much TV...

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  4. Reckon this cloning would work on fiction readers? Best sellers for everyone!

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  5. Oh I love it when a piece grows directly out of an everyday phrase getting stuck in the imagination of the mind's eye.

    Brilliant!

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  6. That's certainly one way to solve the problem. As someone who contributes to my local NPR station, I sympathize. I guess the startup costs were borne by that one lucky viewer? Creepy.

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  7. Loved it. At least they're watching PBS...

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  8. I'll admit upfront that I'm a PBS fan. Charlie Rose is possibly the only interview program on television worth watching, I dig Nova and their Evening News broadcast. Plus there was that bizarre time when they ran untranslated Japanese soap operas. Didn't understand a moment of it and couldn't look away.

    Dani, I hope they watch, but the plan is just to get them to contribute.

    J. Dane and Bernard, thanks! Going smarmy and creepy seemed like a good route.

    Icy, is that reason that you were once a donation clone?

    Mazz, maybe we can clone people who will buy books. But read them? Let's not go crazy here.

    Karen, that happens to me all the time. Hence all the pun monologues and "Responses." Can't help my influences, but at least somebody loves them!

    Valerie is an NPR contributor? Would you mind donating a little of your DNA to a project?

    Cathryn, what PBS programs do you like?

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  9. Always love your peeks into the future. Viewer-bots indeed. Peace...

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  10. I am a PBS supporter, but I was surprised to see a McDonald's commercial on there the other day...and Chuckie Cheese. I suppose "viewers like you" includes strange people in costumes.

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  11. As usual John you give us a fun take on the normally mundane.

    Scary, this. Glad the only thing I watch on TV is college football. :)

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  12. Linda, I think it'd be better if all my possible futures fought each other.

    Erin, King of the Hill did a pretty good satire on the PBS sponsorship. Sadly, it's necessary - most people don't pay to support content despite consuming it.

    Deanna, the mundane is just in need of decoration. We come with so many already, it's stingy not to spruce up the everyday.

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  13. "... and viewers like you. Thank you!"

    Excellent story, John. I'm a member of one public TV station and two different public radio stations. I have more mugs, tote bags and umbrellas than I want to count.

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  14. Just a small token of your appreciation. That's all they need.
    Creepy, but also kinda fun.

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  15. I started reading back over previous posts, you have a great collection of works. My head is buzzing.
    A happy kind ;)

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  16. Very clever! I wouldn't put it past one of these networks to try something like that in ten years or so. Good concept and execution, John!

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  17. Tony, do you contribute content to those stations or just dollars? Not that both aren't indispensable, just curious.

    Laurita, right, they aren't asking that much. What's the big deal?

    Elaine, welcome to the Bathroom Monologues! I post every day. Hope you enjoy what you're reading...

    John, in ten years or so? You're thinking a batch of ten-year-olds for NickToons?

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  18. If they'd ask for content, I'd give it, but sadly, they only ask for money. I'm flattered at the question, though.

    Unless the question was a joke, in which case I congratulate you on a well-played jape.

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  19. I love your skewed-future pieces, John, because they seem so possible. This one's no exception.

    Sly, creepy fun!

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  20. Leave it to John to take the best programming on TV and twist it up ...! Well done. And yes, it's sad but true - people love the independence of PBS/NPR programming but don't pony up when it's time to support them financially. I am a proud supporter of both PBS and NPR (and i skip the tote bags, choosing my thank you gifts more strategically ;-)

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  21. Build your own funding population... Great piece, John! I wonder if it'll ever come to that.

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  22. Follow-up to Tony, I was legitimately asking. Never know what people wind up doing.

    Gracie, you found this plausible? Well then, I hope I'm wrong.

    PJ, thanks for your donation! Would you mind donating a little DNA too? Samuel could use a generous Samantha.

    Laura, I wonder what demographics they would spawn if they did actually come to be.

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  23. Is it that time of year again? (I don't have a TV... so don't really know when it is.) Nice piece... I like how they grew clones. I could also see businesses using this to drive product share.

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  24. I'm with Gracie. I found this very plausible. And I also agree with you, John, in hoping you're wrong about this possibility. Creepy story. Very creepy. But excellent, as usual.

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  25. Okay, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say, despite the satire, I loved the wonder and eagerness you built into Sammy's character. I walked down the hall with new eyes peeking in each window with him. Cool.

    With a slight skew, this could be the birth of a tax, and the birth of a taxpayer.

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  26. Peggy, that's one of the best compliments you can ever level at me. To tell me that, in my satire, there exists a character that touched you in some way independent of a point I might be making? Yeah, that means a lot, and thank you for it.

    Aidan, nothing drives share like creating the people who buy the TV's!

    Eric, well I hope we don't get replaced by an army of Sammys. Or if we do, they're grateful to me for writing them.

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  27. I love American Experience and those documentaries by Ken Burns, they wouldn't have to create a bot of me to watch those shows. Love that story. You should send it to PBS.

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  28. What will the tote look like?

    As always, you take an idea and write it wonderful/crazy.

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  29. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  30. I always feel sorry for PBS when they start their pledge drives... still, I never reach for the phone. Why, John? Why don't I reach for the phone?????
    *feeling guilty*

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  31. Comment appeared twice and I thought you would think I was nagging you, so that's why I deleted the echo! Definitely not because of the inappropriate limerick. :-)

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  32. I like PBS and I like NPR (and donate to both) but I'd consider letting a 'clone' do my chores and go to work if I got to sleep all day ;)

    Nice job as usual John.

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  33. Somehow I question the economics of the future... :) Nice job. Didn't see it coming.

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  34. As if I needed one more thing to worry about, now I'm afraid of PBS. DO I watch them or are they watching me? Why do they need to prick my finger when I make a donation?

    I am a PBS/NPR fan as well. Great story.

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  35. Ugh ... just got memories of those beg-a-thons... Ick!!

    But, again, well done on your end...

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  36. At first I thought it was a robot takeover! D: "You will assimilate, you will like our programs!" This piece made me feel like when you hear one of those laugh tracks and you don't think the joke was funny - a little creeped out! But this is in a good way I think. I agree with Gracie, I could defintely see this happening. The ramifications of something like that is fun to consider as well. Public Television may be the least of it, you know? Great story!

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  37. I used to answer phones at the PBS-athons and take down the pledges, when they rang. It's a changing world. Does PBS stream on the net? John, you put things in perspective and do it well.

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  38. Thanks for the kind comments, everybody, and for the donations to PBS. Maybe I should put a donation badge on my own page.

    Susan, PBS puts a lot of content online, on their own sites and services like Youtube. They tend to drain resources and their biggest public response is generally vitriol for whatever topic they cover. They had to shut down Comments on some of their Youtube series.

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